I thought it might not be this soon, but it came and surprised my morning by the “second pink line”.

I’m pregnant.

Me and Mike will have our first baby.

Oh. My. GOSH!!!!!!!!

Frankly, I don’t expect it to be happened now, really. Because there are tons of things left I have to do. How about my ielts test? What if I don’t get the target again? How about my study and work? I haven’t got my PR yet! How about the coming UK trip and Canada in October? If everything’s ok, I’m giving birth by the end of this year!

I’m nervous. I feel like losing control. I’m not ready and I’m sure so is Mike.

What am I gonna do with a baby? I only play with them and never stay or take care of any baby overnight! How would I handle this?

This is God’s plan, please teach me how to take care of myself now, Upper Daddy..

My answer is NO!

Of course it’s just the name of a song, a very famous and beautiful one.

But if you ask me something like that, I’m going to stay with the “no”. To me, once is absolutely enough and don’t think I will waste my time trying to repair the relationship which can no longer be cured.

Why do I want to dig this up? Well.. it’s not digging up anything. Couple of months ago, me and my that-time-fiancé talked about our past and I said I found my ex’s letters while opening an old notebook. 

“How was the feeling?” - my man asked.

It was nothing special. Just something nice used to happen in my life.

My darling could feel a bit jealous and sad, but it is true. We all once had lovely memories with our exes before we realize there were dissatisfaction and unhappiness following afterwards.

Both of us used to try to save our previous love, convincing ourselves “he/she is the puzzle that I’m missing. What’s the point do I need to change to another one? Get to know each other again and may end up being the same. Why don’t we just stay, save time and try to be happy?”

Life is full of surprises and it is beautiful that way.

I just hope Mike will always be my little surprise like the first time I found him in my heart.

Who am I to get jealous?

Look at me. I have everything. Freedom. Love. Nice clothes. Good food. Chances…

And still I find myself jealous with her?

She’s the new one, starting to get used to learn and handle her new work in a new environment. Without relatives by side.

He’s just trying to help.

And I feel unhappy.

No words could describe how mean I am.

Ah..duh.. She’s Christian. TOO!

What does God teach His children about treating their bros and sis?

Heavenly Daddy, please forgive my soul and heart for thinking negatively. I should have not been jealous and hate but help and love my sis in Christ. May Your blessings shine on her life for she is a nice, shy and good help. Amen.

Can’t get those images out of my head.

Tried to push them out but they’re so stubborn somehow.

Wish I could ask him “what were you looking at?” and see how his answer is. Want to tell him “ok, now you like my cousin? go ahead and get her I don’t care!” but how can I? I’m not even sure my doubt is right or not. Should I tear it or keep it to show him later if he accidentally read this?

He still says sweet words, and it still melts my heart. But whenever I see the picture, I’m kinda disappointed. THAT GLANCE! It HURTS! He might think it’s just a moment but cameras caught it all. Not 1 but 2, who knows how many more? How does he think if I give that kind of glance to another man? And he finds out later? Uh ohhhh

We agreed to discuss and solve any issue together, to maintain our love and not let any misunderstanding comes between us. This case is difficult.

“You may meet guys in college and think: ohhh, what a pity I got married too soon…” this is what he concerns about but never guess the thing I would regret is to tie him with me too soon, that he didn’t even have a chance to see another girl. The most ridiculous thought is my cousin should have been the right choice for him. Hahahahahahaha!! Struggling with her marriage? Not big deal! One kid? Doesn’t matter! Ok, now I feel like insecure the most. Next time would I be able to stand there see him giving that glance to her? Would I be comfortable to go back to HN with him, hang around with all my cousins? Hell yeah! you’re hurting me darling…

What the hell am I thinking? Why can I permit myself to think of them that way?

Why do I have to plunge myself into a virtual story?

But it’s true. I won’t share with people, especially when my husband has a very little thought of anyone else. God can punish me with any death penalty but sorry God, I won’t live with those hurting emotions all my life. I respect my promise in front of You, but sorry God, I can’t be the second R. I’ll pray for that but whenever it comes, I’ll let go. I really love him but if You chose him to eventually settle down with another one, I’ll be ready.

Sorry for thinking like this but the more I love you, the more you should be free.

Damn! It’s weird. The sun is shining and I’m here talking nonsense.

There’s a question that stays in my mind for quite a long time, about Rosalind and her husband.

God knows clearly more than anyone about what she’s now suffering. More important, she’s one of God’s beloved children, why He makes her suffer such a cruel reality like that? I believe this pain is with her for years.

YEARS!

A BIG WOW!

So, what would we do if we could not escape from that marriage because you are under God’s laws? It sounds terrible..

When I heard about the story, I have felt insecure. Now, I’m in that uncomfortable mood again. On our engagement day, I felt something not right between Mike and my cousin. From him. The way he looked at her. The way he asked me about her. I tried to convince myself it was just concern about my relatives, the ones he might never meet before. But after reviewing the photos, there’s one makes me question the look he had which I believe it head towards her. And my cousin also said he said Hello first. What would happen next if we all live close to each other???

Dang it! Isn’t it the way boys always do when they think they meet the right girl? Or am I too sensitive that I may lose my belief on him? Jeeezzz, hope it’s just a dream and the next morning I just need to breathe out and tell myself “you fool, nightmare is over”. If it did happen, just because of politesse? Or was it on purpose, like the love at first sight hit him AGAIN?! Can’t bare this feeling… Crazy me…

God! (Now He becomes my real God)
I am thankful you have brought Mike to me and make it a real and serious relationship between us. But there are temptations and a bunch of bad things out there in human society, please help us to break through all those circumstances and remain love, faith and belief. Help us to get more understandings about each other and don’t let any obstacle stands firm in our marriage. Please! God please! Help me to be wise in judging everything, I know it’s gonna take a long way to do, but at least bit by bit, I’ll learn something. Our love we have is because of You. Please don’t let it fall down in devastation but to grow underneath your loving hands. Lord my God, I ask You with all that I am. Amen.